The Top (only) 8 things I HATE about Canada.

After last week’s whisky rant, here follows a list of my gripes with this happy-go-lucky nation:

8 – Why is it so far away??

If I’m going to be spending my time divided between my home and here the least Canada can do is be closer to the UK. Instead I have to take about 8 hours out of my day and 400 quid to go between! Soooo rude. Lets face it, Britain gave Europe the 1 finger salute, and Scotland’s already copying, so we may as well get some big chains, push Iceland out of the way, and drag ourselves Wales first into the Gulf of Labrador, the weather would basically be the same anyway.

7 – The Border Force

I know we need to monitor the country’s borders, but you didn’t need to hold me for 3 hours unnecessarily last week, and because of that you made my list!!

Canada sign

This way to destiny!! (and a long wait….)

6 – Canadian Phone Coverage

Canadian phone coverage is some of the most expensive in the world. In Britain I can pay $35 a month for a free Iphone and like 10 gigs of data, why can’t I here??? You can here the operators whingeing now “Oooh the country’s too big” or ” The infrastructure’s expensive” BOO HOO!! You’re a gigantic corporation Bell, and you Roger, so man up and make it cheaper. Oh but thanks for texting me when I’ve nearly used up my data that’s handy.

5 – Canadian National Railways (CN)

In Japan the average delay for trains last year was 0.6 minutes, and you can travel 500km in less than 2.5 hours. By that standard my train from Jasper to Toronto should have been an overnight, and not 4 days!!! Seriously though, I shouldn’t have arrived 13 hours late, and don’t turn your nose up because the government says you have to let VIA use the track, I’m still your customer, and PEOPLE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN FREIGHT. Just because you built my favorite tower doesn’t mean you get off any lighter here. On the plus side when the train turned up in the PAN – AM opening ceremony I did get to shout “At least this one’s on time!!!” And that got me some laughs, thanks….

The Train in Melville

Fun, but tardy…

4 – Not Included Sales Tax

Canada, when I go into a shop with my weird plastic tenner, and I see laundry detergent for $9.99, guess how much I want to pay………………that’s right $9.99!! With the penny change! OH WAIT! YOU DON’T HAVE ANY SODDING PENNIES!!! It’s called a penny jar guys, what am I supposed to put in it?? DIMES???? Get out of here!

3 – Tax Returns

So when I play the guaranteed jackpot CRA (Canadian Revenue Agency) lottery every year, WHY should I spend an entire evening at my laptop NOT playing Kerbal Space Program, and filling in stupid online forms to get my money???? In the UK you just ring up the Her Majesty’s Revenue Agency and explain your life story in layman terms and they do it all for you! No wonder you can run the whole thing from an efficient looking, piss tiny, building in Ottawa. Pfft…

2 – Alcohol Laws/Tax, particularly in Ontario.

Seriously guys these law and taxes put people out of business, and allow ole Forty Creek to sneak marzipan into their whisky and claim it’s more pure than Scotch. Come on, have some standards, and help small businesses! Also, if I want to buy my favorite 100% Canadian Rye, I don’t want to have to trek half way across the province to find it!

1- The Banks

Dear all Canadian Banks,

WHY, If I’m giving you all my money, and allowing it to be used as capital to help you to earn millions in profit, WHY should I be charged for you to use it? Some of you, and I’m looking at you RBC, have buildings literally made of gold, and you want to charge me for the privilege of looking after it! Don’t give me that bull about waiving fees if its over a certain amount, in the UK I have 2 accounts with 4 pound between them and I don’t get charged nothing! They are essential facilities, and when I need to buy whisky and maple fudge they won’t always be full! And no I don’t want a free ipad, you consumerist pig!! Or a Samsung equivalent TD, you cheapskates, and your buildings are rubbish!!!!

IMG_2707.JPG

BMO doesn’t have any imagination either….

Happy Canada Day long weekend!!!

Thumbs up!

I’ve hung out in worse countries.

 

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